Summer Trips

Photo: FotoKammer, 2015

I'm excited to do my first attempt at a short (but sweet!) art model tour in NYC this month. I'm still eagerly searching for work in the area, messaging and emailing extensively, but just glad that I'm going to just get out and go. That's been a very strong urge for me lately, to get out and go. I'm not sure how well I'll do out there, but the opportunity presented itself to me and so I am taking it head on. Even if I can't quite get the amount of work I need to make a tour like this work, at least I'll have new experiences and time with friends. I'll be looking forward to updating here while I'm on my summer modeling trips (there are three lined up so far!) to go over my experiences. That is what this blog is intended for, anyway... 

In just a matter of days I will head into the great Sierras to model, and I'm very much looking forward to it. It will be a small team, one other model and the same photographer who took the image above. We've all worked together before with great results. I couldn't be more grateful for finding people with whom I can continually explore and create with. It's really humbling :] Look for my next update. I'm sure I'll be exhausted but happy.

Why "Mauvais"?

Ahhhh helllooo. It's been quite some time since I wrote here! *brushes off dust* 

 

Photo by Randall Hobbet, 2015.

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In the midst of my moving to for school and trying to relearn how to balance life and academics, I've finally come to be at more peace with myself it seems lately. While the demands of school this first semester are not what I'd hoped and I haven't really made friends out here yet, and all sorts of other problems, I've been continuing to try to do the things I want and have to do; art, modeling and schoolwork. Somehow at some point something just clicked and I felt okay. I was pretty depressed before, or in a funk...while I can't say for sure if that's over with, or just blown away for now, it is a relief to struggle a little less these days. 

I continue to model where/when I can and had the thought a while ago when out on my last photo shoot (image above : BUT what an amazing last shoot it was! It even ended on a funny note....

no pun intended! see below), that I should write something about my modeling name, or title.

While at first I used my true name for modeling (and still do at times, but not for online images), it seemed that it was wiser to use a fake name. I have never been one to get too creative with names, but I wanted something that resonated with me. This word "Mauvais" came to mind. Now, back in the days of my teenage youth, I was (and still am, just slightly less so :P) ever obsessed with werewolves. There used to be this online virtual/visual chat room that I liked to frequent; I named my werewolf, Mauvais. Why? I thought it just looked cool and sounded neat. But somehow, that title has stuck with me. If you look at the definition of "mauvais" and how it's used, you get things like: horrible, poor, cheap, terrible, bad, flawed, wrong, difficult, incompetent, difficult, nasty, and vicious. So obviously this word is really kind of a negative word...so why would I choose it to represent me?

I realized that a large part of my existence so far has been based in a dual world of tensions and oppositions, and striving to balance the good and bad aspects of my personality. It's something that I (ironically) both love and hate about me - this narcissist kind of preoccupation with myself and my

inner struggles. But all in all I find the word fascinating and beautiful to behold, which I think I can say are similar qualities that others that I model for would say of me. So, even this shadow creates a lovely shape that does resonate with me, and makes me quite pleased to pair it with images of me, since I like to think of myself more as a concept, or an idea, rather than a definitive thing in my modeling - which is a large part of modeling anyway. I don't know if anyone else is following at this point, but I love the little circles that dance in my mind over things such as this, and when it all settles into place and forms meaning, I feel blissfully contented :]

And with that being said, I'll move on to other adventures to soon write of ♥

Welp, Blogger Bad News, Tumblr Good News?

UPDATE! Turns out blogger won't change it's settings afterall, so here my writings and photos shall stay, hooray!

 So it turns out Blogger may change it's settings regarding blogs with 'adult content'....like nude photos. Even though my blog here is  mostly dead I still want to blog for more personal writings about my modeling experiences and other musings. If Blogger no longer supports my blog for the nude images it has on there… I am considering just posting to my Tumblr as my new blog. What do you think? I was intending my Tumblr to be for showcasing my images but I think it might be good to just keep one blog in one place, and if Blogger takes down my blog, then I’ll at least have everything on there.  

In the meantime, enjoy this lovely image the marvelous Tiana Hunter (both a model and emerging photographer of amazing skills) has taken of me, just last month :]

Tiana Hunter, 2015

I am very much looking forward to seeing the rest of the finished images - even just the proofs I saw were stunning, though I'm not sharing any until I have some sort of permission to :P

As a quick pick up to what I've been up to recently: college in San Jose, mood swings, one awesome shoot (see photo below) and some trying to make sure I get out and hang out with people because in all honesty I have been feeling pretty lonely here. It's just a matter of my laziness and bad habits, I think - I've been isolating myself and I know this, but it doesn't make it much easier to change that (though I am trying!). I have a tendency to hide/isolate when I'm going through changes or experiencing hardships. It's likely a coping mechanism I've developed since my youth, as I was a pretty neglected child and in order to survive I had to pretend everything was fine, including myself. On a happier note, things have gotten better, and I am feeling happier. Next I just go out and do things and meet people and make sure I keep up good grades...and proooobbbably not in that order ;]

 

Tom Miltonberger, 2015

Divide/begin

Admirers, forgive me for flaking, slipping off the radar and being silent...

I have been modeling, still, though not much to show of it. I had a week full of modeling (mostly in north bay, which is both awesome and terrible for those who know the traffic patterns...), both a photoshoot and some figure modeling. I must say I still impress myself with my willingness and ability to commit to a pose, withstand elements, people, and improvise decisively. These are some of the things models do with ease and grace which I am happy to know that I (maybekindasorta) have. My observations of figure models when I was still an active student attest to that, as well as my interactions with other traveling art models who inspire me. I may have to take a break when I begin school, but, this is a trade I feel fortunate to have for some time.

Speaking of school...it does seem that I will be starting early January 2015. EEP and HOLY FUCK. I'm so ready and so not ready. Ready to do something else, be somewhere else, focus on me, get back into my art, get out of my comfort zone, make new connections. I really can't say what my plans are beyond that; I will need to get my toes wet before I can predict the temperature of the water. I do know that if I can continue my modeling without risking my academic/artistic performance that I will gladly do that (and hope to!). But it is true even still, that we must take care of ourselves before we can care for others.

meep.
Oh yeah, here's an awesome image from my short, but sweet, reunion with Keira Grant and Warren Hukill earlier this month:

 

Mauvais: Art Model

Being an art model is great, guys. I thoroughly enjoy the exchange of my time for the time for artists to practice their craft, since I know that is so valuable. I may moan and groan about my aches and pains, but the truth is I rather enjoy the experience, especially at the end, when I can see the result of what everyone (including me) has been putting their focus into. It's kind of magical, and makes the hours of sitting/laying/standing sometimes awkwardly all worth it. I learn something new about modeling and art every time, though I can't quite explain what it is. I am definitely excited to be getting back into drawing from the human figure in life again soon. I do think my modeling and my drawing inform each other...I understand what it's like to draw from a live model and I know from experience what an art model must do and be able to endure in order to stay committed to a pose. I know this. It's awesome. I hope to be able to do this for many years to come. 

♥

Wake

Photos: Daryl Darko Barnett, Coyote Hills, 2014

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I've been quiet on the model blog...I'm focusing on myself and my life in efforts to crawl back out of my shroud of depression. I am sensitive; I take things personally or turn them inwardly and beat myself up over the tiniest of things. I am at least happy that I'm so much more aware of my triggers and bad habits. I have been trying to allow myself to avoid feeling guilty for my faults on top of everything. I found myself disgusted in myself when I realized two weeks passed where not a night went by that I didn't drunkenly, sadly, slip into a death slumber and awake the next morning hating myself. I can't keep doing that. It's a work in progress to understand and change things in oneself. But I continue to take care of myself in other ways and that has helped. I think I am heading toward making necessary changes for myself. I can't say that I *am* better, but I feel better about how I am, and that strikes me as something new and refreshing, and makes me feel much better about going forward to try something new. In all honesty, I am a bit surprised I'm not worse off given my background...I dealt with drug-addicted/alcoholic family members, neglect and molestation, family separation anxiety, and trauma leading to my very low self esteem, for instance. I do think I've managed all right, considering.

I remain an intermittent model; I do have a long day of modeling ahead of me tomorrow for a new figure drawing class. I'm excited!

The photos above are from a recent shoot I did with the wonderful Daryl Darko. I honestly haven't even had much time to devote to photoshoots but this was a day off well spent (day off from my shit retail job, which helps pay my rent but is very awkwardly scheduled...blarg). We worked on a new set for Zivity, which I'll happily share when it gets published :D 

In the not-so-distant future I may be back in school if all goes well with the application process, because it's really time I focus myself in something that I want to do with my life. I'm looking forward to that, too. If I can I will still model, but we'll just have to wait and see :] San Jose....you may soon meet your newest art model. 

End of Long Pose...Return to Life as normal...

I'm terrible at following up on this blog. Really.

But, the good news is I've finished my long pose at the atelier and have gotten myself all rested and relaxed [: And my modeling adventures continue!

I got the chance to meet and work with some new people recently and had a bunch of fun and exhausting (but as always, rewarding!) drawing sessions and photoshoots. I am eager to receive photos from my shoot in Sacramento with the ever-amazing model Keira Grant and photographer Jason Fassnacht. But in the meantime I've some lovely images to share after all!

Wrapping up my long pose was a bit off and on during the last week. I could sense the artists' urgency growing to complete their works as best they could. It was a few days of increasing mental pain and physical endurance that felt very testing at times. I had a great time, all in all though. I feel proud to be the kind of model I am [: I was able to get images of some of the student's work, which was awesome of them for being so willing to share! I am looking forward to seeing them all again at the open house next week.

And now some photos!
The first few are from the atelier and the last two are from other drawing sessions. I took these with my phone. It's very cool to see what others interpret in what they see (me, haha) and even cooler to see the workmanship of their drawings and paintings. Someday I will be doing more of this myself...

 

 

 Some gesture drawings :]

A watercolor study - I held this pose for an hour (with breaks). I don't think I'll ever hold that pose for that long again x___x

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I had a recent portraiture shoot with Robert Artbitter. He was great to work with, local and quick with images! I haven't done very many head shoot sessions so it was both a pleasure to have the opportunity and the chance to meet someone new. Here are my personal favorite results from our session:

...I just wish I always looked this good ;]

Ciao!
(it's back to ODing on coffee and trying to get things done. That's my normal life.)