Wake

Photos: Daryl Darko Barnett, Coyote Hills, 2014

○

I've been quiet on the model blog...I'm focusing on myself and my life in efforts to crawl back out of my shroud of depression. I am sensitive; I take things personally or turn them inwardly and beat myself up over the tiniest of things. I am at least happy that I'm so much more aware of my triggers and bad habits. I have been trying to allow myself to avoid feeling guilty for my faults on top of everything. I found myself disgusted in myself when I realized two weeks passed where not a night went by that I didn't drunkenly, sadly, slip into a death slumber and awake the next morning hating myself. I can't keep doing that. It's a work in progress to understand and change things in oneself. But I continue to take care of myself in other ways and that has helped. I think I am heading toward making necessary changes for myself. I can't say that I *am* better, but I feel better about how I am, and that strikes me as something new and refreshing, and makes me feel much better about going forward to try something new. In all honesty, I am a bit surprised I'm not worse off given my background...I dealt with drug-addicted/alcoholic family members, neglect and molestation, family separation anxiety, and trauma leading to my very low self esteem, for instance. I do think I've managed all right, considering.

I remain an intermittent model; I do have a long day of modeling ahead of me tomorrow for a new figure drawing class. I'm excited!

The photos above are from a recent shoot I did with the wonderful Daryl Darko. I honestly haven't even had much time to devote to photoshoots but this was a day off well spent (day off from my shit retail job, which helps pay my rent but is very awkwardly scheduled...blarg). We worked on a new set for Zivity, which I'll happily share when it gets published :D 

In the not-so-distant future I may be back in school if all goes well with the application process, because it's really time I focus myself in something that I want to do with my life. I'm looking forward to that, too. If I can I will still model, but we'll just have to wait and see :] San Jose....you may soon meet your newest art model.