Divide/begin

Admirers, forgive me for flaking, slipping off the radar and being silent...

I have been modeling, still, though not much to show of it. I had a week full of modeling (mostly in north bay, which is both awesome and terrible for those who know the traffic patterns...), both a photoshoot and some figure modeling. I must say I still impress myself with my willingness and ability to commit to a pose, withstand elements, people, and improvise decisively. These are some of the things models do with ease and grace which I am happy to know that I (maybekindasorta) have. My observations of figure models when I was still an active student attest to that, as well as my interactions with other traveling art models who inspire me. I may have to take a break when I begin school, but, this is a trade I feel fortunate to have for some time.

Speaking of school...it does seem that I will be starting early January 2015. EEP and HOLY FUCK. I'm so ready and so not ready. Ready to do something else, be somewhere else, focus on me, get back into my art, get out of my comfort zone, make new connections. I really can't say what my plans are beyond that; I will need to get my toes wet before I can predict the temperature of the water. I do know that if I can continue my modeling without risking my academic/artistic performance that I will gladly do that (and hope to!). But it is true even still, that we must take care of ourselves before we can care for others.

meep.
Oh yeah, here's an awesome image from my short, but sweet, reunion with Keira Grant and Warren Hukill earlier this month:

 

Mauvais: Art Model

Being an art model is great, guys. I thoroughly enjoy the exchange of my time for the time for artists to practice their craft, since I know that is so valuable. I may moan and groan about my aches and pains, but the truth is I rather enjoy the experience, especially at the end, when I can see the result of what everyone (including me) has been putting their focus into. It's kind of magical, and makes the hours of sitting/laying/standing sometimes awkwardly all worth it. I learn something new about modeling and art every time, though I can't quite explain what it is. I am definitely excited to be getting back into drawing from the human figure in life again soon. I do think my modeling and my drawing inform each other...I understand what it's like to draw from a live model and I know from experience what an art model must do and be able to endure in order to stay committed to a pose. I know this. It's awesome. I hope to be able to do this for many years to come. 

♥

Wake

Photos: Daryl Darko Barnett, Coyote Hills, 2014

○

I've been quiet on the model blog...I'm focusing on myself and my life in efforts to crawl back out of my shroud of depression. I am sensitive; I take things personally or turn them inwardly and beat myself up over the tiniest of things. I am at least happy that I'm so much more aware of my triggers and bad habits. I have been trying to allow myself to avoid feeling guilty for my faults on top of everything. I found myself disgusted in myself when I realized two weeks passed where not a night went by that I didn't drunkenly, sadly, slip into a death slumber and awake the next morning hating myself. I can't keep doing that. It's a work in progress to understand and change things in oneself. But I continue to take care of myself in other ways and that has helped. I think I am heading toward making necessary changes for myself. I can't say that I *am* better, but I feel better about how I am, and that strikes me as something new and refreshing, and makes me feel much better about going forward to try something new. In all honesty, I am a bit surprised I'm not worse off given my background...I dealt with drug-addicted/alcoholic family members, neglect and molestation, family separation anxiety, and trauma leading to my very low self esteem, for instance. I do think I've managed all right, considering.

I remain an intermittent model; I do have a long day of modeling ahead of me tomorrow for a new figure drawing class. I'm excited!

The photos above are from a recent shoot I did with the wonderful Daryl Darko. I honestly haven't even had much time to devote to photoshoots but this was a day off well spent (day off from my shit retail job, which helps pay my rent but is very awkwardly scheduled...blarg). We worked on a new set for Zivity, which I'll happily share when it gets published :D 

In the not-so-distant future I may be back in school if all goes well with the application process, because it's really time I focus myself in something that I want to do with my life. I'm looking forward to that, too. If I can I will still model, but we'll just have to wait and see :] San Jose....you may soon meet your newest art model. 

End of Long Pose...Return to Life as normal...

I'm terrible at following up on this blog. Really.

But, the good news is I've finished my long pose at the atelier and have gotten myself all rested and relaxed [: And my modeling adventures continue!

I got the chance to meet and work with some new people recently and had a bunch of fun and exhausting (but as always, rewarding!) drawing sessions and photoshoots. I am eager to receive photos from my shoot in Sacramento with the ever-amazing model Keira Grant and photographer Jason Fassnacht. But in the meantime I've some lovely images to share after all!

Wrapping up my long pose was a bit off and on during the last week. I could sense the artists' urgency growing to complete their works as best they could. It was a few days of increasing mental pain and physical endurance that felt very testing at times. I had a great time, all in all though. I feel proud to be the kind of model I am [: I was able to get images of some of the student's work, which was awesome of them for being so willing to share! I am looking forward to seeing them all again at the open house next week.

And now some photos!
The first few are from the atelier and the last two are from other drawing sessions. I took these with my phone. It's very cool to see what others interpret in what they see (me, haha) and even cooler to see the workmanship of their drawings and paintings. Someday I will be doing more of this myself...

 

 

 Some gesture drawings :]

A watercolor study - I held this pose for an hour (with breaks). I don't think I'll ever hold that pose for that long again x___x

 ○

I had a recent portraiture shoot with Robert Artbitter. He was great to work with, local and quick with images! I haven't done very many head shoot sessions so it was both a pleasure to have the opportunity and the chance to meet someone new. Here are my personal favorite results from our session:

...I just wish I always looked this good ;]

Ciao!
(it's back to ODing on coffee and trying to get things done. That's my normal life.)

Weeks 2 & 3 of my long pose...

Hello world, 

It seems that in the midst of my moving locations I've lost my old posts that I was going to publish here :[ It's very sad to me as I was hoping to make a daily account for each modeling day and my experiences throughout, but I will just have to settle with a weekly summary. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than my original plan.

My second week went well. One student was missing the whole time, and the others were making much progress. I was holding up with the pose, my body felt pretty good till the end of the week, when pain accumulated in my left hip. I recall that on the last day of week two I was feeling very down, very pessimistic and sore and didn't really want to be interacting with anyone. But I persevered, and by week three I was feeling rejuvenated. I try to not let my personal life stuff get in the way of my performance while modeling, but it is very challenging for life modeling, because no matter what my mind seems to circle to the dark spots. It is the nature of one with so much to learn, figure out, and do...I suppose.

So far this week has been going all right, but I do admit wishing I was done with the week already, as I am sore and tired. I have tomorrow, then week three will be over. My knees and left hip in particular are bothering me more than anything. It'll pass. Today was a bit exciting for a while though as I noticed that there was a little bright green leaf hopper bug on the stand with me. It gave me comfort and amusement, distracted me for a bit. "Which is harder for you when modeling, the physical part or the mental part?" one of the students asked me. With only a moment to think, I answered, "Mostly the mental." I struggle with feeling isolated or having lack of conversation, and sometimes my awareness of my cirling thoughts drive me...nearly mad. But that is why I do my best to chat with others when I can; though sometimes all I can do is stretch and shake myself out, and the breaks are short...so I must make the choice to take care of my body or my mind. It's fascinating. I do enjoy it, nonetheless. Some of my favorite modeling moments have come from my life drawing/painting sessions. Mostly things people say, which can only be so funny and awesome in that moment. Even with all my aches and pains with figure modeling for artists, it's not so unbearable to me as feeling isolated in a room full of people (which sometimes does happen). In the end, the rewards of helping students, artists, and myself learn better to be better artists is what makes it worth it all.

Long Pose - Days Three & Four - end of Week One! :]

I made it though my first week of this pose with a whole lot less pain that I was anticipating. Thank goodness! I'm pleased. I've done a few long poses before - roughly the same amount of hours only less days a week; this is the first long pose where I've held the pose four days in a row. I must say I've started out well considering how badly things seemed to be going for me physcially just before the start. Yay!

On the third day of my pose, I remember I was thinking a little more about whether or not it was true that what I'd said before that it took a good three days before my body adjusted...I was feeling  a bit  tired (though I got a full night's sleep), but not in as much pain as I anticipated. (I pretty much prepare for the worst, and am pleasantly surprised when things go well...does that make me a pessimist?...)

The studios were all full of students - I don't try to eavesdrop but when there is no music playing and no one talking in the model room, I can hear just about everything everyone says in the next room over, and a few words here and there in the next next room over - and I was wishing I was a part of the school rather than just another model. Spirits lifted later, and I went on a walk to grab coffee after my session  and was called from across the street from a woman in a car. on my walk back...who turned out to be my cousin! Craziness aside, we chatted on the side of the road for a bit and I felt very glad to have run into her. I do have family resting at the glorious Mountainview Cemetery and it turned out she was leaving from visiting them just when she recognized me on the side of the street....what a treat! :P

☼

Thursday, the fourth day of my pose. I was feeling it. I was in pain, at least at the end of the session. But I was able to hold it together. I kept thinking - "Don't quit on them and the won't quit on you". That is my modeling mantra. That is why I get upset when people pack up and leave in the middle of my pose...unless they've stated that they need to do so for some reason. But with no reason stated and no warning, when people pack and leave when I'm still standing naked and focused...it bothers me to nearly no end. This never happens at the GGA, but I am making note that it has happened at other venues and I am so glad for it no happening at this school. They don't quit on me. I won't quit on them.

It was just me and the students this day; they seem to be progressing well and when I look at their drawings I wish I could say something that would be meaningful or supportive, but I struggle to know what to say so I stay silent. 

After my long pose session I went to do a photoshoot in SF with a traveling photgrapher. It was positive! I'm grateful he took the opportunity to work with me. I see a new connection here. 

These are my favorites:

 

 

;] 

Okay good night all, I'll be writing to you again next week. 

♥

Long Pose - Days One & Two :]

 *Not my image; see caption on photo*

I am two days into my long pose at the GGA and feeling very good about it so far! :] I found an image of a drawing that is sort of similar to the pose I am doing just so you get an idea - but perhaps later you will see better images, and of me [: I'm doing a standing pose, rear-view, and wondering what the students will decide to do about my tattoo...haha. If the lighting is similar to the image about then it won't be very noticeable...not that it matters to me, I like my tattoo and hope others do too.

I had my modeling session Monday, bright and early (3.5 hours) and after we fussed with figuring out the pose I held it for the remainder of the time. So far the pose feels good, no pains on that first day at all. I was a little worried because I am putting weight on my left knee/leg - the one with the 

scar tissue - but I am able to counter the weight on my right leg when I need to. I was impressed with how confidently the students started out their drawings! They sure know how to use their time effectively :] It will be fun to see them progress in their drawings and paintings. I admit being a little envious because I want to be drawing and painting too!

After my session Monday I went for a walk to stretch out and move my tired leg muscles and grab coffee. It's been lovely outside here lately, and it felt nice to get my mind and eyes stimulated again (after hours of mostly staring in one spot and listening to the sounds of charcoal rubbing paper and shuffling feet, I start to feel a little stir crazy). Again I enjoyed the sun when I returned to my home base, eating my lunch slowly and relaxing before heading out to work in Lafayette. 

Today was a bit different. I woke earlier than my alarm, and felt twinges of pain in my left hip already. I was worried, again, but had some ibuprofen handy and by the time I was modeling again I felt okay. I took a nap after lunch, when I was back at my home base, which I am not sure was the best thing to do because I will still need to be in bed by 10pm (!) I am feeling the tension in my left hip a bit, but it is not unbearable yet. I joked with one of the students that it takes about three days of a pose for me to really know and feel the damage it might do to my body. Kind of true, so, we'll see how tomorrow goes. I've been doing well so far, I'd hate to start having troubles when I still have four more weeks of this to go. When I am complete with this pose, it will be the longest pose I've done yet, totaling 65 hours of my life dedicated to the training artists. WoO!

In the meantime, expect to see more updates. I was thinking of blogging every day about my experience modeling for the day :] hopefully that won't get too repetitive. I'd love it if anyone asked me questions about my figure modeling or anything else they'd like to know to help get my posts jogging [:

Till next time! ♥

News

Hi!! 

Shitty webcam photo! I recently had my hair chopped. I think it actually looks better now than it does in this straight-after-the-salon photo. It feels so nice! I halved my shower length, hair-drying time and product usage. Good deal! Plus I think it's cute and maybe even a little more fitting for me - what do you think?

 I am happy to announce that I will be doing the next Long Pose at the Golden Gate Atelier in Oakland this trimester! How exciting for me; I've wanted to do this since I first checked out the school. I am a little trepidacious as I know my body will certainly be feeling the pose long after I've stopped for the day - plus I will still be working after I model! I'll be sure to arrange a regular massage ;] During the week I will be living in Oakland - those of you who are familiar with the California Bay Area traffic should know that commuting from the deep East Bay across the tunnel in the mornings can be a dreaded disaster; or at least a long agonizing wait.... I'm looking forward to the change! I like adapting to new situations. It gives me pause and helps me better evaluate my 'normal' life when I return to it.

I haven't had time or interest for photoshoots lately; but I may change my mind soon. But do have some recent images to share, of course, just before I cut my hair. 

The first images are from Jody Frost, a beautiful woman who began her interests in photography through modeling. I was honored to work with her; as you can see these are a little more sensual and erotic. It was a fun shoot. It's always nice to shoot with other ladies ;]

If you want to see more images, you'll have to check out my MM or Tumblr :P

I also had another fun duo shoot with the amazing Candace Nirvana and Warren Hukill. More new favorites! We got to hang out on a beautiful sunny day and romp around semi or fully naked in public. I can only think of a few ways to spend a day that match the awesomeness of that. 

Photo: Warren Hukill, 2013. 

Photo: Warren Hukill, 2013. 

....Plus, did you know I can - kind of - skateboard?! ;]

♦ ♦ ♦ 

In other news, I've been having some serious issues (read: pain) with my left knee recently. I had a fall from jumping on a trampoline a little over 2 years ago now (maybe 3 by now...) which resulted in an avulsion fracture on the outer topside of my left foot. I had a splint put on, and was on crutches for a few weeks, unable to put any weight on my left leg. I then moved onto a walking boot before slowly healing on my own. I am unsure of how it happened, but somehow I developed a lump on the inside of my knee (which I noticed maybe 9 months ago) that causes me a lot of pain off and on if I'm not careful with it....and I'm not sure what it is that sets it off. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow to see what can be done about it, since the last doctor I saw was quite literally no help at all. 

In the meantime, I am going to be busy again and try to give my life back to art. GOODNIGHT FRIENDS! ♥

Light

I've had some fun new shoots recently, with some fun new photographers :] It feels very good to be expanding my horizons and making new connections. I have yet to see the finished images from some but I am quite excited for them. I have been very busy, with my new job (this may be good for a future post, but yes I had to get a little shit job because it is very difficult to make enough as an art model who doesn't travel) and modeling, and my old job. Let's just give a collected nervous bit of laughter at the wonderment of it all. I'm a working girl, for sure.

I love how modeling can bring to my day so many weird moments, bits of uncontrollable laughter, adventures, and putting minds together to make something awesome. Sometimes it's what wasn't planned for that makes it all. Plus little dogs, little dogs climbing all over me while I'm modeling is great too. :P

I did receive some of these images from a new shoot last night. They are very soft focused, airy. I enjoyed working with this photographer, but I think we'd work better in the great outdoors. I sometimes find that I get a little stale in my posing when working in the studio...

 John Goyer. 2014 

(PS: If you look closely you wills see that I no longer have metal adorning my ears, or gauges. Weird or awesome?)

And also this song because I can't stop listening to it. ADD much?

http://music.drtoast.com/track/light

(but yes, still have the tattoo :P)

 John Goyer. 2014 

(I'm so cheesy)

 John Goyer. 2014 

◘

I also had the joy of photographing a lovely model - Miss Candace Nirvana - over the last few weeks. Because models will take photos of models as well ;] Yay new model friends! Here are some photos of mine that I took of her. I had fun playing with effects. Obviously. 

Photo is mine.

 Photo is also mine.

And yes, this one is mine too.

♥

Lucian Schmit, 2013 - Portland, OR area.

Yay for getting lots of new photos in the last few days :] (including the one above, which was a film shot taken while I was on my northwest tour, about a year ago).

I've had two pretty full modeling weeks, managing to remain (hardly) unscathed! (though, I did obtain some minor cuts and sprains...nothing to worry about!) 

I've met a few new photographers recently as well, and enjoyed those new shoots. With all this warm weather, albeit DRY, UNSEASONAL weather, I've been absolutely comforted going outdoors for nude shoots. I got to romp in old buildings, climb trees, nestle in grass, hike in the woods, and pose in my velvet cloak (for the first time, ever).  I thought I would have to wait till Spring for outdoor shoots....but for some reason I'm having a feeling California will simply skip Spring this year, and go into a long and dry summer...

I had my first life drawing session modeling session last night - the first in about a month, I think? Maybe longer. Sherry Kwint-Cattoche is  wonderful woman and an amazing artist to boot. I love her studio because it looks like how I'd have my studio. She has interesting things scattered and piled and hung all over the place in there. I held a few fives, then a twenty, then a long standing pose the rest of the time. It sure feels good to know I can still hold a pose well! I don't usually 'do' New Years' resolutions, but one I have had in mind is to get in shape, and to start that by simply being more active. I have been doing pretty well so far. I have just been avoiding sitting for long periods of time, and trying to get in exercise. One would think as a model, I would be getting all the exercise in the world...but that has long been the problem with my body type - it is  blessing and a curse to appear like a dancer but to not have the strength of one. (womp womp)

So in the meantime, off to get working on that ;D

And here's Sherry's paint studies of me from last night :] 

[oil pint studies by Sherry Kwint-Cattoche, 2014]

Life Shift

Photo: Alen Barbosa, 2013

☼

Let's just say that, as a young lady in her early 20's - I have a lot to figure out (no pun intended). My term, it seems, with the GGA has ended for now; I applied for an internship several weeks ago that I just discovered today I did not get. I was actually very much looking forward to that life shift, that new routine I'd get all accustomed to that would maybe hopefully lead to a new kind of lifestyle and would teach me more than I think I know about myself. No such luck, at least, not yet.

So today has been a bit melancholy; but I am still trying to pursue other interests that will lead me somewhere. I'm not sure where I'm trying to go, in general or even as a model. I go back and forth between wanting to really step up my game and do more with my modeling - there could be potential - and yet the next moment I am woefully telling myself that I should just stop and that modeling is nonsense. I believe neither but it is good to recognize that (I'm assuming) all models struggle with this at one point or another. Unless I'm totally wrong and the fact that I do this means something else entirely....

I guess what I'm trying to write is, I'll still have plenty of time to model, for better or worse.

I could really use some refreshing modeling sessions!

Happy 2014 :P